The Secret Keeper
by Revti
Summary: Remus on the night that Lily and James died, reflecting about his friend's betrayal, the man who kept a secret all too well.


**The Secret Keeper**

Remus sat bolt awake, hair drenched in sweat and out of breath as though he'd just run a marathon. The room was pitch dark, thick curtains blocking out the moonlight. He reached under his pillow and drew out his wand.

"_Lumos_," he muttered.

The tip of the wand lighted up, casting his face into sharp relief. He'd always been lean, but over the past months he'd lost a lot more weight, and his bones stood out.

All his senses were alert, and there was a terrible cold weight in his stomach. A nightmare... That was it... He couldn't remember the details... just that it involved James and Lily...

Out of second nature he reached for the map at his bedstand. It was a magical map of Godric's Hollow, the tiny wizarding village where the Potters' ancestral home was, and where he suspected James and Lily were living. They had not trusted him enough to make him their Secret Keeper. He had forgiven them, but had nevertheless plotted out a map of Godric's Hollow, on the lines of the Marauder's Map. It was a reassurance to himself. Should their secret be revealed, they would show up on the map.

He stared down at it, hoping against hope... But there were two dots, marked Lily Potter and James Potter, and they were not moving.

The bottom crashed out of Remus's stomach.

_Think,_ he forced himself.

The map should not show them... By magical laws they did not exist until Sirius revealed their existence...

_Sirius..._

No...

His training forced him not to panic. He pushed the terrible grief crowding his mind away. _Think_.

Harry? What about Harry? 

He peered carefully. If Harry was dead, his body should show up in the map...

Don't get too hopeful, he told himself firmly. Voldemort would never leave Harry alive. He didn't know pity. He would probably have taken his body away for some potion... 

He slid off the bed, tears rolling down unheeded.

It couldn't be. There was just no way it could have happened. Sirius would die for James. He would never ever give in to Voldemort.

His head throbbed. Not Sirius... He wouldn't have... Not Sirius... It wasn't like him... Not in his nature to betray his friends...

A nasty little voice in the back of his head brought back the memory of Sirius sending Snape into the Whomping Willow.

And then another image superimposed itself on that. Sirius sobbing wildly beside his and James's beds in the hospital wing that morning, clutching both their hands.

Sirius cuddling Harry, the expression on his face identical to James's...

James clutching Sirius's hand while Harry was being born...

Sirius, getting up at James's wedding to give a speech, drunk silly... 

Sirius and James, arm in arm after winning yet another Quidditch match...

Sirius, hugging James after his parents' death...

Sirius and James... spending year after year together, at school and at Sirius's home...

Something was wrong. Terribly terribly wrong. He'd known Sirius for nearly ten years. In one night a person does not contradict their whole life. 

He had never been jealous of the brotherhood between James and Sirius. He and Peter had never been as close to any of them as the other. In anybody else, jealousy and bitterness might have been born, but he, Remus, was accustomed to being the outsider all his life.

An owl alighted on his windowsill. Remus's hands shook wildly as he detached the letter from the owl's leg. He knew what was in it.

An odd ringing filled his ears as he unrolled the parchment. It was in Dumbledore's spiky handwriting.

"_Dear Remus,_

As you might have guessed, Lily and James Potter are dead."

He put the letter down and propped himself up against the table, knees giving way. He pushed the memories away and forced himself to read further.

"_Harry has survived, by what means I cannot tell._"

Spots danced in front of his eyes, and he had difficulty in focussing on the words. Harry survived? It was not possible... Voldemort would never ever leave any of the Potters alive. He knew...

"_And Voldemort is gone. He seems to have vanished. People who were under his control have come back to their senses. I can only guess that Lily and James destroyed him before they died. Yet there are too many mysteries. I entreat you to come to Hogwarts as soon as possible._"

Remus sunk to the floor. The world was going crazy. Things were happening that could never have happened... 

_Lily and James dead... _

Sirius a traitor... 

Harry alive and Voldemort gone...

What had happened in one night? His world, on such a stable foundation, had suddenly crumbled.

"_About Sirius... I have nothing to say. I leave it to your judgement. He is now at the top of the Ministry's wanted list."_

Remus threw the letter into the fire, watching its edges curl and blacken.

He searched his mind for a memory... any precedent... any warning about what Sirius was going to do...

But his mind refused to work. 

He pulled open a cabinet door and pulled out a thick, battered photo album. Blankly he flipped over the pages, blocking his emotions, just searching. Searching for any hint of what was to come.

And all he came up with was nothing. Nowhere was there any trace of anything except love in Sirius's expression towards James.

It didn't fit. None of it made sense. No matter what means Voldemort used, Sirius would never reveal the secret. The Fidelius Charm was its own protection against coercion. The secret had to be revealed willingly. Sirius would withstand any of the Unforgivable Curses. Torture would not break him. Not where James was concerned.

He rubbed his aching eyes. What wouldn't he give for a Time Turner now! Go back... to go back and to Godric's Hollow... Warn James and Lily... Tell them to flee... 

He slowly pulled himself up, and threw on his robes. He'd speak to Dumbledore... perhaps he would know... 

"I leave it to your judgement..."

Did he perhaps think that Sirius was innocent? 

Tortured thoughts tumbled around in his mind. Had it been anyone but Sirius... He could believe many things of Sirius, he'd do almost anything if he saw sufficient reason. He wouldn't stop at murder. Not where the lives of his friends, his family were at stake. He'd almost sent Snape to his death. That fitted in with his character. But not betrayal. The Sirius he'd known was incapable of deceit.

The persistent denial thudding away with his pulse left him feeling giddy. Just two days ago Sirius had kept him company while he transformed. He could not reconcile the large loving dog with the idea of treachery. Something had to be wrong.

How could it be possible? All those wonderful years at Hogwarts, had nobody noticed the darkness growing in Padfo- no- Sirius's heart? How could James have missed it? He knew every expression, every mood of his best friend. Sirius was no actor, he'd never be able to hide his feelings. And there were too many sharp people around him not to cotton on. James, his adopted brother, Lily, the smart, shrewd witch. Himself, always so sensitive to others's feelings. One of them would have noticed...

There could have been only one explanation. He'd broken under torture. Once Voldemort realized the Potters were under the Fidelius Charm, it was an obvious conclusion who the Secret Keeper was. Knowing the resilience of his friend- if he could be called that- Voldemort must have means of torture beyond anything they could imagine. 

In that case Sirius was dead or in St Mungo's. Somehow, Remus found this idea more reassuring. He'd rather have a dead or broken friend than a traitorous one. 

He stared down at the letter that was tightly clutched in his fist.

And yet Sirius was on the Most Wanted list, in the august company of top Death Eaters and traitors. That meant... The Ministry had reason to suspect he had gone over to evil willingly. That fitted too, since Dumbledore had called them all together and warned them of a traitor in their midst. Information had been leaking to the Dark side. It had been first called to their attention over a year ago. For a year Sirius had kept up the deception. His mouth curled bitterly. Evidently neither of them knew the workings of that treacherous mind. Even while he was being christened Harry's godfather, he was leaking information.

The letter fluttered down, and Remus collapsed beside it, sobbing wildly. Crying for the loss of his entire world. The security he'd built up on the love of his friends. Why did everything have to change so fast? Marriage itself seemed too big a change. And now... Death... Betrayal... 

Voldemort was gone. So what? He'd killed trust and hope in people's minds. He'd shattered the wizarding community. He'd won his battle even as he lost it. 


End file.
